| View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
DrowKat
3- House Si'mari Meten, High Priestess
Joined: 07 Mar 2007
Posts: 81
Location: Ni'ya, Tzephi or California, USA
|
 Posted: Wed Mar 21, 2007 10:52 pm Post subject: |
 |
|
Hmmm... maybe. All my money goes to bills though... T_T
_________________
=DrowKat
Administrative Matron of *Lolth-Scourge
High Priestess of The Drow Club
Matron of House Si'mari Meten
|
|
| Back to top |
|
 |
Deathless_Lord
35- House L' Venorik Ussen
Joined: 10 Mar 2007
Posts: 139
Location: Tir Tairngire
|
| Posted: Wed Mar 21, 2007 10:54 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Quote: |
| I find a scene out of place, I wind up rewriting the whole thing. I really need to stop doing that |
I know that feeling too! I finally had to put up the stories as they were and add the er, 'Finished Procuct' in a special No-Touchie folder. On'y edit's I make is any spelling/grammer ones I find. so far this has worked admirably well. Otherwise, yeah, I'll edit/redit a story into... well, drivel. And no one (particularly me!) likes that cause thats even worse then what you started with!
_________________
Johann Black,
Ilharn d'lil Venorik Ussen:
L' Treiw Orbb kyorlin l' Tresk'ri wun ukt cress.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Deathless_Lord
35- House L' Venorik Ussen
Joined: 10 Mar 2007
Posts: 139
Location: Tir Tairngire
|
| Posted: Wed Mar 21, 2007 11:01 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Lol! I barely made rent that month! This designer girl came with a railroad box car of misc. stuff she'd collected/made over the years and wanted to get rid of. ::Wicked grin:: talk about Heaven & Hell! I could only afford a few things- the boots, one costume, 4 candleholders & some pendants/jewlery bits she didnt mind me incorperating into my stuff. She had this one lamp- and this chair and... Mmm...::Drool:: Also she was one of those people that *could* walk in those stilletto heeled boots gracefully. which sorta hightened my admiration some.
I'm on topic. Really I am.
_________________
Johann Black,
Ilharn d'lil Venorik Ussen:
L' Treiw Orbb kyorlin l' Tresk'ri wun ukt cress.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
DrowKat
3- House Si'mari Meten, High Priestess
Joined: 07 Mar 2007
Posts: 81
Location: Ni'ya, Tzephi or California, USA
|
| Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 1:35 pm Post subject: |
|
|
^_^ *hands you a cookie*
_________________
=DrowKat
Administrative Matron of *Lolth-Scourge
High Priestess of The Drow Club
Matron of House Si'mari Meten
Last edited by DrowKat on Thu Mar 22, 2007 1:44 pm; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Deathless_Lord
35- House L' Venorik Ussen
Joined: 10 Mar 2007
Posts: 139
Location: Tir Tairngire
|
| Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 1:42 pm Post subject: |
|
|
::Gives cookie to Stick::
Stick> "COOKIE!" ::GLEE!!:: "Bel'la Dos!"
Oh he *Likes* you now.
_________________
Johann Black,
Ilharn d'lil Venorik Ussen:
L' Treiw Orbb kyorlin l' Tresk'ri wun ukt cress.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
DrowKat
3- House Si'mari Meten, High Priestess
Joined: 07 Mar 2007
Posts: 81
Location: Ni'ya, Tzephi or California, USA
|
| Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 1:45 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Dari: ^_^ Hello! I heard you like cookies! I made this for you. It's very handy. *hands him a bag of infanite cookies*
_________________
=DrowKat
Administrative Matron of *Lolth-Scourge
High Priestess of The Drow Club
Matron of House Si'mari Meten
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Deathless_Lord
35- House L' Venorik Ussen
Joined: 10 Mar 2007
Posts: 139
Location: Tir Tairngire
|
| Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 1:59 pm Post subject: |
|
|
::Seeing that the albino would slap a hand to his forehead and try to smile:: "...That is very kind of you Madame but you really... really... shouldn't encourage him. He'll not have any teeth let by the time he hits fifty!"
::Meanwhile Stick happilly burrows into the bag. You can see the little happy anime hearts bubling up off him at ten paces:. "Choco Chippies! An Nutty Butto! Better then Vrook S'S'nal!" <3 <3 <3
_________________
Johann Black,
Ilharn d'lil Venorik Ussen:
L' Treiw Orbb kyorlin l' Tresk'ri wun ukt cress.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
DrowKat
3- House Si'mari Meten, High Priestess
Joined: 07 Mar 2007
Posts: 81
Location: Ni'ya, Tzephi or California, USA
|
| Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 4:25 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Dari: ^_^ no worries. I made sure they magically clean your teeth too.
_________________
=DrowKat
Administrative Matron of *Lolth-Scourge
High Priestess of The Drow Club
Matron of House Si'mari Meten
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Deathless_Lord
35- House L' Venorik Ussen
Joined: 10 Mar 2007
Posts: 139
Location: Tir Tairngire
|
| Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 7:01 pm Post subject: |
|
|
::The little boy would look at her, look back to the cookies and repeat two or three times more. Then he'd give a disapointed sniff and move the sack a lil to the side.:: "Drill... Drill... Nindel plynn jal l' jivvin doeb d' ol."
;_; ...
_________________
Johann Black,
Ilharn d'lil Venorik Ussen:
L' Treiw Orbb kyorlin l' Tresk'ri wun ukt cress.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
DrowKat
3- House Si'mari Meten, High Priestess
Joined: 07 Mar 2007
Posts: 81
Location: Ni'ya, Tzephi or California, USA
|
| Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 7:24 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Dari: *giggles and takes the bag back* Too bad, your loss. *sticks out her tongue*
_________________
=DrowKat
Administrative Matron of *Lolth-Scourge
High Priestess of The Drow Club
Matron of House Si'mari Meten
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Deathless_Lord
35- House L' Venorik Ussen
Joined: 10 Mar 2007
Posts: 139
Location: Tir Tairngire
|
| Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 7:37 pm Post subject: |
|
|
"OOLUUUMMMSIZ!! Girl take waway cookie bag an I wassn done yet!! TURN HER INTO A NEWT!!" ::Glares Daggers of Painful Tobassco Death at Dari, crosses his little arms and waits for his Newting to begin.::
Olumsiz (Mildly distracted by sheet music & his oud): "No."
::The little drowboy would turn his 'fearsome' stare at the albino then turn sharply on his heel, kick Dari in the shin and take his cookies back.:: "MINE! None for you Cootie Girl!"
_________________
Johann Black,
Ilharn d'lil Venorik Ussen:
L' Treiw Orbb kyorlin l' Tresk'ri wun ukt cress.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
DrowKat
3- House Si'mari Meten, High Priestess
Joined: 07 Mar 2007
Posts: 81
Location: Ni'ya, Tzephi or California, USA
|
| Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 8:30 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Dari: O.O *pouts* That wasn't nice. *turns him into a giant cookie for an hour and leaves*
_________________
=DrowKat
Administrative Matron of *Lolth-Scourge
High Priestess of The Drow Club
Matron of House Si'mari Meten
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Havoc
MERCHANT HOUSE
Joined: 17 Mar 2007
Posts: 97
Location: Wandering the Wastelands
|
| Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 9:30 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| DrowKat wrote: |
| Dari: O.O *pouts* That wasn't nice. *turns him into a giant cookie for an hour and leaves* |
Harriet: *has been watching the entire thing, while cleaning her M4* Good god... If he were mine, he'd be strung up by his ankles, and left that way until dawn in the wastelands... There'd be no more screwin' around from him then!
Okay, anyway. Got through the second part of it. It's definitly gotten my attention, given that Akordia is being turned into a weapon, albeit one that is coming across as very confused. She does seem determined though, which is a good thing, as it allows the reader to identify with a similar sense of confusion.
_________________
"You can run, but you'll only die tired!"
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Deathless_Lord
35- House L' Venorik Ussen
Joined: 10 Mar 2007
Posts: 139
Location: Tir Tairngire
|
| Posted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 9:38 pm Post subject: |
|
|
::The albino is... amused.:: "Stick? You Mustn't pick at your raisins Little One. It's going to hurt when the spell wears off."
"...But I so tasty. Like cinaminimins. And squish when chews."
"..."
_________________
Johann Black,
Ilharn d'lil Venorik Ussen:
L' Treiw Orbb kyorlin l' Tresk'ri wun ukt cress.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
Havoc
MERCHANT HOUSE
Joined: 17 Mar 2007
Posts: 97
Location: Wandering the Wastelands
|
| Posted: Fri Mar 23, 2007 8:05 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Alright! Finished!
Didn't find too much, but if you intend to revise it, I'd recommend going through it with a book to correct some of the grammar and stuff and really make it shine! 
One thing caught my attention though:
| Quote: |
| "How am I to refuse such a lovely wraith? Alright, I'll help you get your incantation cast. No, don't look like that, I don't want anything in return. I'm a sucker for a pretty face, that's all." |
Sounds far too modern for the setting you’ve provided. Especially the ‘sucker for a pretty face’ part. The rest of the setting I've found is just fine.
Also, most of Akordia's lines are not in quotes in the final part! I do not know if you did this on purpose or not, but I must say that it was a little annoying. Not as annoying as reading All the Pretty Horses where not a single line of dialog is put into quotes, but still. If she is comminicating telepathically, might I recommend putting these pieces of her dialog into italics.
In all, this was an interesting read. With a little polishing, and more to it, I think it could really shine.
_________________
"You can run, but you'll only die tired!"
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Home
